Jamie Walloch

Written by: Jamie Walloch

January 2021

Published work for client, Gunderson Funeral Home, in publication Journey to Aging

Losing someone close to you is never easy. Although death is inevitable, we are never truly prepared for it.

When someone you know loses someone close to them, it can be hard to come up with the right words to say because there really aren’t any. Instead of focusing on the right thing to say to a friend in mourning, understand what not to say during this time to best help them grieve in peace.

Grief is not a problem to be fixed. It is a difficult experience that one needs time to heal from, and the support of loved ones is vital to this process.

What not to do and say to a grieving friend:

1. Do not isolate them – The tone of your speech is very important to how you make someone feel. During this difficult time, do not be a sensationalist. You do not want your friend to feel like their pain is your new gossip. It is okay to show them that you are sad, too. This will comfort them and let them know that they are not alone.

2. Do not be afraid to talk it out, both the positive and negative – In most cases, you want to be positive and focus only on the good. That is not always the case with the grieving process, at least in the beginning stages. Focusing solely on the positive can make a grieving friend feel like their grief isn’t validated and the process is being softened. Don’t be afraid to admit how hard the situation is, as it is sometimes the best way to get through it. It is okay to point out that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, while also acknowledging the gravity of the current situation. 

3. Do not compare your experiences to theirs, unless appropriate – While everyone goes through this process at some point, it doesn’t make the situation easier when it is compared to someone else’s. The loss of your hamster does not compare to the loss of a friend’s grandparent. Death is hard to experience. Comparing experiences that aren’t necessarily similar may belittle the other person’s situation. 

4. Do not diminish one’s grief – Acknowledging grief is one of the best ways you can show your support. It is okay to talk about the deceased and not be afraid to openly speak about the situation. But some may unintentionally diminish one’s grief by saying things like “you’ll get over it soon,” or “you’ll be fine.” The greatest way you can honor someone’s feelings and grief is to ask how they feel and simply listen. Trying to downplay someone’s pain by minimizing it only makes them feel more disconnected.

5. Do not wait to reach out – Everyone will go through mourning at some point in their life. It is never easy, but it makes it a little bit easier knowing how many people are around to support you. When a friend goes through a hard time, a simple message such as “I am thinking of you” can go a long way to helping them heal.

Anytime we lose someone forever, it can be difficult to reconcile. Whether it is someone’s pet, grandparent, step-parent, sibling, it is a terrible situation and will need a healthy grieving process to get through.

Providing emotional support during one of the most difficult times of a person’s life is the best thing you can do for them! Don’t be afraid to ask about the deceased and get your friend talking positively of them. Have your friend talk about their treasured memories with their lost loved one. Lend them an ear, allow them to cry it out, and let them know that you are there for them. That is the best you can do to show your support as they mourn the loss of their loved one.